Advice for Approaching Adoption Search and Reunion

Research shows that 95 percent of adoptions are “open adoptions” involving some communication between the adoptee and birth family. However, that wasn’t always the case nor is it always possible. The search and reunion process has been a large topic in the adoption community in the past 10 years with the introduction of social media and DNA testing/connection sites. The possibility of connecting to biological family members after years of no contact is now more of a reality than ever before.

The experiences of birth parents and adoptees can be vastly different.  Let’s explore why the following considerations for adoption search and reunion are important.

Emotional Readiness

For many adoptees and birth parents, the hardest aspect of search and reunion are the unknowns. Does the other person want contact? What will it look like? Can I meet other family members? Before taking the first step of contact, it’s integral that you explore your emotional readiness.

• Why do I want to have contact? Whether it’s to specifically obtain medical information or a desire to meet in person, understanding your reasons why will help shape your steps moving forward.
• Are you prepared for any possible outcome? It’s normal to have an idealistic vision of your relationship. It’s important to consider how this new relationship will fit into your daily life. You must also prepare yourself for the possibility of the other person not being ready for that step or wanting contact at all. How will you feel if that happens and what support do you have in place to help process the rejection and loss?
• Consider the emotional impact of discovering new information about your birth family and story.

Ways to Connect

Once you feel ready emotionally to take the first step of connecting, the next step is taking action. You first want to gather any information that you do know such as names, ages, dates, and if there was an agency or attorney involved. 

If the agency or attorney is known, that is the best place to start. The adoption agency or attorney that handled the adoption has those records and therefore the ability to aid in the search and reunion. The agency can then act as a bridge connecting an adoptee and birth family. However, if the agency is unknown, there are now many other resources available such as Ancestery.com, social media, and state specific registries. For anyone placed for adoption in Illinois, two incredible resources are the Illinois Adoption and Medical Information Exchange, and the Midwest Adoption Center.

Taking the first step

Before contact is made either to the agency or independently, it’s important to think about what you want to see happen. Do you immediately want to connect via a phone call or prefer to take things slowly with an email or letter? Think about if your goal is to get to know each other first or immediately set up an in person visit. Exploring your wants and feelings beforehand, helps set manageable expectations in place for everyone involved. Allow yourself plenty of time to make phone calls or write emails with time after to decompress and process.

During the first communication, whether that be through email or phone, write down topics about yourself that you want to share or things that you want to know. Writing things down, you will have a security blanket if the conversation doesn’t flow smoothly or emotions make it hard to think. If possible, you can also send your list of questions to the other person ahead of time so they have time to prepare and do the same.

Long-term Relationship Building

Many people who have gone through the search and reunion process share the feeling of “what now?” post initial contact. Remember that relationships take time.  While you may feel an instant connection, many adoptees and birth families have shared that the connection took time. While there is this innate connection of birth family/child, if there has been no communication for a significant time, you are still strangers connecting for the first time. Stay open and honest about how you are feeling and what you feel ready for. Remain respectful and flexible if the other person’s needs are different than yours.

Respecting Privacy and Boundaries

One of the most challenging aspects of search and reunion is how many people’s feelings, years of lived experiences, and own desires are involved. While one person may have dreamed of reunion for years, the other could just be taken by complete surprise. For example, some birth parents may have family members, spouses, or more children that do not know they placed a child for adoption. If that is the case, their mindset may be completely different than an adoptee who has dreamed for this moment.

 While everyone will have their own wishes and hopes for this new relationship, an integral part of having a positive search and reunion experience is having respect for the other’s feelings and boundaries. A person may need time to process their own feelings and how the introduction of this new relationship fits into their daily lives. Resect the other’s privacy, emotional readiness, and personal relationships.

Adoptive Parents

Your only role in the process for search and reunion for your child is to support them. Allow them to take the lead on how and if they want to move forward. As parents, it’s completely normal to want to protect your child when there are so many uncertainties. 

The emotions of search and reunion are not yours to process for your child but rather are your child’s alone to process with you. Allow your child to discuss how they are feeling in an unbiased, neutral way that stays child focused. During this time, it’s important to find a trusted partner, friend/family member, or adoption competent therapist to support you as you support your child. Approaching the search and reunion process with careful consideration of all of the above can help ensure that the journey is as positive and constructive as possible for everyone involved. There is always potential for search and reunion to bring up secondary emotions and questions. ACI highly encourages everyone involved to seek support in this process and explore options of adoption competent therapy. If you are interested in adoption-competent therapy, you can contact our therapist for more information or to schedule an appointment.

Molly has been with Adoption Center of Illinois since October 2013 as a expectant parent counselor after graduating from the University of Iowa in 2013 with a BA in Social Work. After four years at ACI, Molly returned to her studies at the University of Illinois at Chicago and earned her MSW. After graduating in 2018, she returned to ACI as an expectant parent counselor as well as assisting in the domestic home study services program.